i saw you today. you looked beautiful and carefree. free from caring about the torement in my heart. i knew if i was to mention it, you would leave. so i said nothing and listened to the silence. it was uncomfortable and loud. so many things were being said without either one of us uttering a word. i wanted to reach out and touch you. just to feel your caress one last time before you leave me forever but i knew i would not reach out and nor would you. our eyes hardly met as we sat in the silence and when they finally did, i was screaming a deafening scream in pure and utter silence. your eyes told me you were no longer true to me. your eyes said you had moved on since our last encounter. your eyes betrayed your smile. your fake, oh so fake smile. in your voice you did not try to hide your annoyance with me. thats when i realize that my cligginess, which at one point flattering is now just outright annoying. you have what i want and i have what you can not take. there is something to be said about you and i. or rather something about me when i was with you. never before had i loved being able to just be me. thank you for that. what a rare gift it is for a stranger to shed light on a part of you that you had forgotten was a part of you.

what has happen to
the lost boys of reality?
the ones who bonded
through dysfunctional tragedy?
the forgotten, the abandon
a true child of the system
foster home to foster home,
anything between depakote and lythium
you are the saddest orphan of all,
the parents who just don't care
and their excuses always the same,
lifes not fair....
so when a lost boy grows up
where do they go?
on thanksgiving, christmas,
are they also alone?
i can not find my brethren
now that they are adults
or were they merely just that?
LOST?
i can not be the only forgotten
who parents simply did not care
this feeling of rejection
is a heavy burden to bear
i feel as though i could be swallowed up
and theres no one to call
i am a lost boy sitting against
the shadows of these bleak white walls

i feel like my third eye is growing.i can no longer hide it anymore. i know people are starting to stare. starting to whisper. they know that i really do not belong. i must leave soon. i want to cry. i thought i could pretend. i wanted to pretend long enough for me to confuse fact and fiction. i can no longer stay. i start to isolate myself. isolate myself with my mouth. why can't i just shut the fuck up? why can't i ever let anything go? maybe the real question is why is the average person okay without resolution to a situation? why is okay that people think that they do not have to explain themselves? has it always been this way? are people really shallow assholes? i isolate myself with my intensity, that most just can't comprehend.
fucking sheep. baa baa. clones. typical. look out. lets not say anything that is real, raw or too honest. be careful not to offend. everyone acts like i am the freak because i have no problem with verbal confrontation. it is shocking to me that most people would rather avoid you than just say "hey, i don't fucking like you because..." but instead, people give you the 'if i ignore you, maybe you'll disappear into oblivion' treatment. i get chastise a lot for just saying exactly what i think. you know why i say what i say? i don't want there to be any confusion about what i felt when i felt it because if there isn't a tomorrow for me, you always knew where you stood with me today. now my question is, do people quit talking to others because they don't respect the other person enough to give them insight for the next go around, or is it possible, that i am surrounded by cowards?

i am the girl...
your not ready for
that smothers you with love, that you cheat to escape it
thats just too much one of the guys
that makes you realize you miss your wife
you call for girlfriend advice
you call when someone close to you has passed
the girl you use to forget that other girl
the girl that you know will give you a ride when you drank 2 much
the girl you make plans with but have no intentions of doing it
the girl you forget to call back
i am the girl...
that watches ufc...alone
that takes 5 minutes to get ready
that throws a ball better than most guys
prefers action movies over chick flicks
that can climb a tree better than any kid i know
that picks up trash outside because i believe every little bit helps
i am the girl....
that still believes in true love
that has a better sex drive than most men
will try almost anything
i am the girl...
that appreciates quality t.v such as family guy and south park
that still thinks alice-n-chains rock
i am the girl that smiles all the time when all i want to do is cry
i am the girl that feels alone in the crowded room
i am the girl that is an orphan with the parents still alive
i am the girl that drinks to go to sleep
i am the girl that is the addict without the drugs

you are so beautiful
it overwhelmed me when we met
now your face
makes me cringe with regret

i thought i would never meet
someone like you in my lifetime
where i was yours
and you were mine

i now have no desire to ever
again see your face
to be reminded of the
bittersweet way you taste

you only leave me angry
surrounded by confusion
from what was the reality of us
and what was the illusion

your lips spill over with lies
and excuses of reason
never before have i witnessed
such deception and treason

i don't understand
how you could say so much
but your actions screamed
of disrespect, of shameful lust

you are not my friend
you cannot even be considered my foe
how can i mean nothing to someone
with whom i went through my lowest of lows

how could i have placed value
on someone who didn't value me at all
i am sad to feel my heart
put up this wall

to think you might have
ruined me for all others
just because you broke
the promise of forever together

your eyes make me angry
to the point that i could scream
why the fuck did you lie
and why to me?

you told me of your past
and of your heart being broke
how you could never do that
to someone you loved...you fucking joke

you are not the man i thought you were
nor do you have the ability to be
with you, i was truly blind
without you, i can finally see

i once said you you were
unwritten poetry of my soul
this is not what i had meant,
its just my way of letting go

i cannot let you make me bitter
or ruin me for all others
i deserve the you and i
the forever together

its okay that its not with you
and i much prefer it that way
i need a man that keeps his word
even in the lowest of lows, will stay

not a man who lies, cheats
or speaks out of the side of his face
someone i cry about at night
who makes me feel like a mistake

i am looking for love
and i deserve to find it out there
i don't want to call you anymore
begging you to care

you used me like i was disposable
like i am easy to replace
that very thought is what
leaves me with a bitter aftertaste

you are wrong about me
mr.friend nor foe
someday you will be filled with regret
that you had even let me go